What a superb movie for children. It had chase scenes, one-liners, and literally no depth. It felt like a movie written by someone who’s both never seen a movie or ever written a movie. It lacked substance in a big way. And there was Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen levels of chemistry between who we are told are the love interests.

I found myself incredibly bored during what should have been the height of the movie, and what they probably spent millions of dollars on: the chase scene. I wanted it to be over almost as soon as it started and it dragged for 5 minutes.

The wardrobe was so terrible, everyone’s clothes were so distracting. Why did they put a wig on Michelle Williams? And why did they make her wear a tiny pleated skirt a la Clueless? Why did they include that line about Tom Hardy changing his shirt? And why did Jenny Slate have to wear scientist glasses and an ugly ponytail? These are questions not even worth answering.

I was really excited to see Riz Ahmed play a villain, but his lines were so forced and he fell really flat. I’m certain that was because of the writing, and not because of Riz.

The plus here is that we got to see Tom Hardy’s face and his lips look like juicy fucking steaks. Honestly his lips took me out of the film and it didn’t even matter, because it was so easy to follow along with anyway.

Also Jenny Slate is a national treasure that should be protected at all costs.

1/5 for the inclusion of tater tots. I won’t watch this again but i will show it to my kids. Because it’s a kids movie posing as an R-rated film.

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